Britain is a nation of cheese lovers. From cheddar to stilton, red Leicester to Wensleydale, we take our dairy seriously. But somewhere along the way, our love of cheese mutated into a full-blown obsession. We’ve started putting cheese on everything—whether it belongs there or not. Chips? Smother them in melted cheddar. Pies? Top them with a gooey layer of mozzarella. Crumpets? Let’s throw some grated cheese on top and see what happens.
It’s as if the nation collectively decided that if a meal doesn’t involve dairy, it’s simply not worth eating. And before you start pointing fingers at our American cousins for their unnatural devotion to cheese, let’s be clear: at least our cheese is real.
A Brief History of British Cheese Worship
Cheese has been a staple of British cuisine for centuries. It sustained our medieval ancestors, graced the tables of Victorian banquets, and powered the rise of the Ploughman’s lunch. But somewhere in the last 50 years, we went from appreciating cheese to abusing it.
The classic cheese-on-toast was an innocent enough start. Add a splash of Worcestershire sauce, and you’ve got a comforting snack. But that wasn’t enough. Soon, cheese began creeping into dishes it had no business being in. Chips and cheese became a drunken-night-out essential. Shepherd’s pie got a crown of melted cheddar. Someone even decided lasagne wasn’t cheesy enough and started adding extra layers of the stuff.
British Cheese vs. American Cheese: A Dairy Duel
Of course, it’s impossible to talk about cheese obsessions without mentioning America. The US is infamous for its love affair with cheese—or, more accurately, “cheese-like substances.” You know the ones: bright orange slices that look radioactive, oozing “cheese sauce” from a pump at a stadium, or the infamous spray cheese in a can. It’s a form of culinary witchcraft that turns dairy into something that barely qualifies as food.
In Britain, we like to think we’re better than that. Our cheese is “proper” cheese—aged, crumbly, and made in actual dairies. But while the Americans may have the monopoly on fake cheese, we have our own sins. Have you seen a Gregg’s cheese and onion pasty? It’s basically cheddar with a sprinkling of pastry wrapped around it. And what about the monstrosity that is cheese-stuffed crust pizza? That’s British complicity in the global cheese arms race.
The truth is, while American cheese feels like a science experiment, our obsession isn’t any less extreme. We just hide it better behind phrases like “artisan” or “mature.”
The Crimes of British Cheese Overuse
Let’s take a moment to reflect on some of the most heinous ways we’ve misused cheese in Britain:
- Chips and Cheese: A late-night takeaway staple where chips drown under a pile of melted cheddar. Add curry sauce or gravy, and you’ve created a culinary abomination.
- Cheesy Crumpets: Who decided a fluffy breakfast snack needed to be smothered in cheddar? Isn’t butter enough?
- Mac and Cheese with Extras: Traditional mac and cheese is bad enough, but Brits have taken it further by adding bacon, chicken, or whatever was left in the fridge.
- The Cheese Toastie Arms Race: Once, a simple slice of cheese between two bits of bread was enough. Now, it’s triple-layered, filled with caramelised onions, and grilled until it’s a heart attack waiting to happen.
Cheese as a Personality Trait
The British obsession with cheese isn’t just a culinary habit—it’s a lifestyle. Every office has at least one person who loudly declares, “I’m obsessed with cheese!” as if it’s an original personality trait. These people have opinions about stilton, hoard blocks of mature cheddar in their fridge, and know at least three fancy cheese shops within a 10-mile radius.
We’ve also turned cheese into an event. Cheese boards have become a staple of dinner parties, complete with chutneys, crackers, and awkward debates about whether blue cheese is delicious or smells like feet. Even our supermarkets have caught on, stocking aisles of novelty cheeses shaped like Christmas trees or flavoured with gin, chilli, or—heaven help us—truffle oil.
America’s Cheese Obsession: At Least They Own It
Say what you will about the Americans and their neon-orange cheese slices, but they lean into the ridiculousness. They’re not pretending that Cheez Whiz is a culinary masterpiece. It’s functional, over-the-top, and unapologetically fake.
Meanwhile, we Brits like to act as though our cheese obsession is sophisticated. We elevate cheese toasties to gourmet status and write entire menus dedicated to mac and cheese. We convince ourselves that smothering everything in dairy is a mark of culinary excellence. It’s pretentious, but it works.
The Future of Cheese in Britain
As food trends continue to evolve, one thing is certain: cheese isn’t going anywhere. Whether we’re grating it onto everything in sight or sneering at the Americans for their processed cheese sins, it’s clear that Britain’s love affair with cheese has reached the point of no return.
So next time you sit down to a meal and feel the urge to sprinkle a bit of cheddar on top, just remember: the Americans may have Cheez Whiz, but we’re no better. Ours may be aged in caves and wax-sealed, but we’re just as guilty of letting cheese take over our plates—and our lives.
Dwight Warner is the quintessential oddball Brit, with a weirdly American-sounding name, who has a knack for turning the mundane into the extraordinary. Hailing originally from London, now living in the sleepy depths of Lincolnshire but claiming an allegiance to the absurd, Dwight has perfected the art of finding the surreal in real life. Whether it’s a spirited rant about the philosophical implications of queueing or a deep dive into why tea tastes better in a mug older than you, his blogs blur the line between the abstract and the everyday.
With an irreverent wit and a penchant for tangents that somehow come full circle, Dwight Warner doesn’t just write; he performs on the page. His humour is both sharp and delightfully nonsensical, like Monty Python met your nosiest neighbour and they decided to co-write a diary.
Known for being gregarious, Dwight is the life of any (real or metaphorical) party, whether he’s deconstructing the existential crisis of mismatched socks or sharing his inexplicable theories about why pigeons are secretly running the economy.
A larger-than-life personality with a laugh as loud as his opinions, Dwight Warner invites readers to step into a world where everything’s slightly askew—and that’s exactly how he likes it.
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