The Great Executive Dysfunction Heist: Stealing Productivity from My Future Self

You know those thrilling heist movies where a group of criminals meticulously plans a high-stakes robbery, only to have everything fall apart at the last moment? That’s me trying to get anything done.

I have a lot to do today. I’m aware of this. I have a list. I have sub-lists. I have even written something down in a notebook that I will never check again.

And yet, instead of doing any of these tasks, I am suddenly deeply invested in researching the history of lighthouses.

Welcome to executive dysfunction—the fine art of knowing exactly what you need to do, having every intention of doing it, and still not doing it.

The Mastermind: Future Me, the Sucker Who Has to Deal with This Later

Future Me is an optimistic fool. They always assume that things will somehow just happen.

• “I’ll get up early and do it first thing.” (I will not.)
• “I’ll have way more energy tomorrow.” (I will not.)
• “I just need to get started.” (I will not start.)

This is the core principle of executive dysfunction: stealing time from Future Me and forcing them to deal with the consequences.

Future Me is a poor, overworked soul, constantly dealing with a backlog of tasks that Past Me swore would get done “later.”

But here’s the problem: Future Me is also Present Me.

And Present Me wants a nap.

Step One: Making the To-Do List and Feeling Productive About It

The first step in not doing something is to prepare excessively for it.

• Write a detailed to-do list.
• Make a colour-coded version of the to-do list.
• Spend half an hour deciding which task should be done first.
• Take a break, because all this planning is exhausting.

At this point, I have accomplished nothing tangible, but I feel very busy and important.

I reward myself with a quick scroll through my phone, where I lose 40 minutes and somehow end up watching a documentary about otters.

Step Two: The “I’ll Just Do One Quick Thing First” Trap

I’m about to start a task. I really am.

But first, I’ll just check one thing.

And suddenly, I have:

• Rearranged my bookshelf.
• Started researching medieval sword-making techniques.
• Deep-cleaned my entire desk, which has been messy for months but is, apparently, urgent now.

I am hyper-fixating on a task that is absolutely not the task I needed to do.

But now, I feel accomplished, so I reward myself with a snack and a little lie down.

Step Three: The “There’s Still Time” Delusion

As long as the deadline is not immediately upon me, my brain treats it as a vague, distant concept.

• “I still have a whole day!” (False confidence.)
• “I’ll do it this evening.” (Lying to myself.)
• “I work better under pressure!” (No, I just only work under pressure.)

At this point, I am still mentally prepared to do the task, but I have not physically moved towards doing it in any way.

Step Four: The Sudden Panic of Realising I Have No Time Left

The deadline is now imminent.

Future Me, who I have spent all day ignoring, is screaming in terror.

I am now:

• Frantically working at double speed.
• Muttering “why am I like this” at regular intervals.
• Performing mental gymnastics to justify why I put this off for so long.

This is the productivity equivalent of breaking into a vault at the last second, dodging lasers, and sprinting out with the stolen goods just before the alarms go off.

It is both horrifying and weirdly exhilarating.

Step Five: The Post-Crisis Reflection (That Changes Nothing)

The task is finally done, but I am emotionally drained.

I now reflect on my choices, vowing that next time, I will start early, pace myself, and be a responsible, functional human being.

I will absolutely not do this again.

(Spoiler: I will do this again.)

The cycle repeats forever.

Final Thoughts: The Heist Will Happen Again

I would love to say I have figured out how to break this cycle, but the truth is, this is just how my brain works.

Yes, it is stressful.
Yes, it makes no logical sense.
Yes, I have Googled “how to fix executive dysfunction” and then immediately ignored the advice.

But hey, the heist always gets pulled off in the end.

And that’s what really matters, right?

Is this not just a fancy name for procrastination?

Procrastination and executive dysfunction may look similar from the outside—both involve not doing the thing—but they come from entirely different places.

Procrastination is a choice, even if it’s not always a good one. It’s when you could start a task but delay it because something else is more appealing (or because scrolling your phone suddenly becomes a matter of national importance). Executive dysfunction, on the other hand, is not a choice—it’s your brain hitting the brakes on a task even when you desperately want to do it. You’re not avoiding it out of laziness or preference; you’re stuck, like pressing the gas pedal on a car that just won’t move.

Procrastination is putting something off because you don’t feel like doing it. Executive dysfunction is wanting to do it, needing to do it, and still somehow not doing it. The difference? One is about motivation; the other is about an internal, invisible wall that refuses to budge.