A Medieval Peasant’s Guide to 21st-Century Living

Welcome, weary traveller, to the 21st century! You have been plucked from your mud-strewn medieval existence and thrust into a world of strange contraptions, bizarre customs, and an alarming lack of feudal lords demanding grain tithes. The days of ploughing fields and paying homage to the local knight are gone, replaced by something called “emails” and an economic system more confusing than the great schism of 1054.

Fear not! This humble guide shall help you, a medieval peasant, navigate this frightening new world, where goods are exchanged without bartering, serfs willingly enter windowless office buildings, and people are voluntarily on diets despite a clear abundance of food. Let us begin.

The Basics – Understanding This Strange New World

Money – Where Are the Barter Markets?

Once upon a time, if you wanted bread, you gave a man a chicken. A fair deal! Now, you must have something called “money”—which isn’t even made of gold or silver! Worse still, people use tiny glowing cards to pay for things without ever handing over tangible wealth. Suspicious.

Another horror awaits: “inflation.” In the past, a turnip might fetch you a hearty meal. Today, you need something called “£10.50” for a single, unsatisfying sandwich. Where is the justice?

Housing – You Want Me to Pay What for a Hut?

A good medieval lord might have granted you a simple hut in exchange for your hard labour, but in the 21st century, the concept of “affordable housing” is a cruel joke. Rent is astronomical, and buying a home requires selling one’s soul to a bank.

Peasants would expect to pay with grain or livestock. Here, the currency is debt. Worse still, there’s no common room where you can sit by the fire and listen to a bard spin tales of conquest. Instead, you have “Netflix” and “reality TV,” both of which are far more distressing.

Employment – No Fields to Plough? No Problem!

The Concept of a “Job”

In the olden days, your profession was chosen for you—your father was a farmer, so you were a farmer. Simple. But in this world, people must “apply” for jobs by submitting a scroll called a “CV,” listing meaningless achievements in an attempt to impress a corporate overlord.

Many jobs involve sitting at a desk staring at a glowing rectangle, with no tangible evidence that any work has been done. Unlike ploughing a field, where the results are clear, much of modern work is an elaborate act of pretending to be busy.

The Office – A Modern Feudal System

Peasants had lords. Workers have “bosses.” Lords took a percentage of your crops. Bosses take a percentage of your earnings and call it “tax.” The difference? Modern workers must endure something called “team-building exercises”—whereas in the past, you just fought in a battle and moved on with your life.

There are no jesters in an office, but there are “meetings,” which seem to serve the same purpose: a lot of noise, little action, and people leaving more confused than when they arrived.

The Perils of Modern Social Etiquette

Greetings – No One Bows Anymore?

In medieval times, one bowed or curtsied. Simple, elegant, effective. In the 21st century, greetings range from “handshakes” to “awkward hugs” and the dreaded “air kiss,” where people make kissing noises without actual contact. Treasonous behaviour, if you ask me.

If one must greet a person, the safest bet is to simply nod solemnly as if acknowledging their title and lands.

Dating – Arranged Marriages Are No Longer the Norm

Once upon a time, marriages were decided by one’s family, ensuring land, title, and social status. Now, one must “date,” which involves something called “apps” where you judge potential suitors based on their small portrait and a brief written description of their personality.

Courtly love is dead. No sonnets, no dramatic duels for affection. Just messages like “U up?” and “Wanna grab a coffee?” The romance is lacking.

Food & Drink – No Gruel? No Problem!

The Wonders of Takeaway Food

Gone are the days of baking one’s own bread over an open fire. Now, food can be summoned with a few button presses on a glowing rectangle. It arrives at one’s doorstep in a chariot (known as a “moped”) driven by a man wearing strange, garish colours.

A medieval review of modern food:

• “A Big Mac? Tastes like witchcraft.”
• “Starbucks? Overpriced ale with frothy nonsense.”
• “Sushi? Uncooked fish? This seems deeply unsafe.”

Alcohol – The Downside of No Daily Beer Rations

In medieval times, everyone drank ale because water was riddled with disease. Now, there is clean water—yet ale consumption is frowned upon before “5 PM.” Why this arbitrary rule exists remains unclear.

Furthermore, the modern “pub” is no longer simply a place to drink and sing songs about conquest. It is now a battlefield of etiquette, requiring one to buy drinks in “rounds” and pretend to care about sporting events.

The Peasant’s Final Thoughts on the 21st Century

The 21st century is a world of contradictions. It has great advancements, like indoor plumbing and medicine, yet people still voluntarily jog for “exercise” and eat plants called “kale” despite clear evidence of bread existing.

The laws are complex, there is no single king, and people stare at glowing rectangles instead of tending to their fields. However, on the bright side, one can now buy a pre-cooked chicken for under a fiver, which frankly sounds like a much better deal than plucking one yourself.

All in all, the medieval peasant might find modern life bewildering, but at least there’s one universal truth that still applies: the rich get richer, the poor struggle to afford rent, and everyone still complains about taxes.

Perhaps some things never change.