As someone who has been a parent for what seems like forever, but in reality is also forever, you notice that when you become a parent, your vocabulary undergoes a transformation. Suddenly, you’re saying sentences that would make absolutely no sense in the adult world. From stopping them from eating random objects to enforcing hygiene rules that sound strange out loud. Just stop and think for a moment, would I ever have to say that to an adult? Here’s a list of things you’d only say to kids—never, ever to your fellow grown-ups.
“No, You Can’t Lick the Window”
It’s astounding how kids will explore the world with every sense, including taste, which seems to include windows, car doors, shopping trolleys—anything within reach. Imagine telling a friend, “Could you not lick the restaurant window?” With kids, though, it’s a regular part of the job.
When you see them eyeing a smudged window or feeling tempted to get a “closer look” at a doorknob with their mouth, you realise this phrase isn’t going away anytime soon.
“Please Stop Picking Your Nose”
This might be one of the least charming things you’ll ever say. This one makes parents cringe the most in the realm of kid behaviours. With adults, it would lead to a serious reconsideration of your friendship, but with kids? It’s just another Tuesday.
Sure, it’s natural for them and maybe even scientifically explainable, but that doesn’t stop you from wincing every time. And let’s face it: if they weren’t your little darlings, this would be the kind of thing you’d rather just ignore and walk away from.
“Did You Flush?”
Asking someone if they flushed is just one of those parenting classics. This question becomes part of your daily routine because, for reasons unknown, kids will often forget—or maybe just skip—that step. While asking this of a coworker would be grounds for an awkward conversation with Human Resources, in your house, it’s part of basic quality control.
Over time, you might even develop a range of follow-ups for the inevitable times when their answer is, “Ummm…”
“Underwear Goes Inside Your Pants”
This simple rule, which seems so self-evident to adults, is apparently not so obvious to the under-five crowd. Whether they’re wearing it on their head, over their pants, or as a cape, kids seem to be in constant experimentation mode when it comes to their wardrobe.
Gently reminding them of “clothing basics” will become second nature to you, though you’ll likely never find yourself saying the same to your friends or colleagues.
“Toenails Are Not for Chewing”
Kids and flexibility make a dangerous pair, especially during those toddler years. The fascination with toes is something every parent faces eventually. You might find yourself casually saying, “We don’t put our toes in our mouth,” and that’s when it hits you: no one in your life, outside your child, would need this reminder.
The fact that you have to state it outright (and probably more than once) is one of the many things you’ll be glad they grow out of.
“No Jumping Off the Furniture”
It’s as if kids see couches, beds, and coffee tables not as items for rest, but as launchpads. They have endless energy and find new, creative ways to unleash it, sometimes by turning the living room into their own stunt arena.
Trying to explain this to a fully grown adult is likely unnecessary—they instinctively know why “not to jump off the table” is an unspoken rule. But kids? They need that direct instruction, again and again.
“Don’t Put That Up Your Nose”
Why do kids find their noses such a tempting storage place? Who knows. But here we are, frequently repeating variations of, “Noses are not for crayons,” “Get that bean out of there,” or, simply, “Please, not in the nose.” If you ever caught an adult putting foreign objects in their nostrils, you’d either laugh or immediately call for help unless, of course, they were Mr Bean.
But with kids, there’s no point in questioning it—it’s just part of the parenting experience.
“Stop Playing with Your Food”
For children, meals are often more about sensory play than actual nutrition. You’ll find yourself repeating, “Food is for eating, not painting,” while they happily turn their spaghetti into a Picasso or make “mountains” out of mashed potatoes.
Could you imagine leaning across the table at a dinner party and saying to a fellow adult, “Can we please keep our peas on the plate?” Just the thought is enough to bring a smile.
“Use Your Words, Not Screams”
You’ll often say things like, “I can’t help you if you don’t tell me what’s wrong,” or, “Inside voices, please!” as a reminder that they have a whole arsenal of words to use—words that don’t involve shrieking. Kids naturally experiment with volume, and everything they say has to be on maximum.
Gently redirecting them to “use their words” is just part of everyday parenting. Imagine if adults defaulted to screams when they wanted something; now, that would be chaotic.
“Because I Said So”
This phrase is the ultimate parenting fallback, the trump card for any situation. When your child questions every single thing (“But why do I have to wear shoes outside?”), this is the sentence that brings it all to a close. You’ll use it often and unapologetically, usually when you’re just too tired to come up with any further explanation.
For adults, saying “because I said so” is a quick way to end a friendship—or get an eye-roll. But with kids, it’s a power move.
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