Productivity is a state of mind—or at least that’s what we tell ourselves after spending an entire day colour-coding our calendar, rearranging pens, and opening tabs we have no intention of reading. In a world where hustle culture is worn like a badge of honour and even naps are being marketed as “productive rest,” it’s easy to feel like you’re falling behind if you’re not launching a side business or starting a podcast.
But what if you could cheat the system? What if you could experience that smug post-productivity glow without actually achieving anything at all? It’s not laziness—it’s lifestyle design. And if you, like me, enjoy the self-satisfied feeling of a “productive day” without the faff of tangible results, then you’re in the right place. Prepare to master the subtle art of doing nothing—and looking impressive while you do it.
Step 1: Open All the Tabs
There’s no clearer visual sign of your busyness than having a browser that looks like it’s auditioning for a Guinness World Record. You don’t even have to read the tabs. Just open everything that might vaguely resemble productivity: job listings, articles titled “7 Morning Routines of Highly Effective People,” a YouTube tutorial for something you’ll never try, and a Google Sheet with absolutely nothing in it.
The trick is to cultivate digital chaos with intent. Even better, leave those tabs open overnight. Wake up the next day, glance at your screen and sigh heavily as if you’re being pulled in too many directions. If a housemate or partner sees it, even better. Nothing screams “busy professional” like a cluttered desktop and deeply furrowed brow over an article you haven’t read.
Bonus move: open a Trello board. Stare at it. Close it again. Boom—executive energy.
Step 2: Make a List So Long It Becomes Performance Art
Lists are the cornerstone of faux productivity. But you must play the game cleverly. Avoid specifics. Write down things like “strategise weekly objectives” or “engage with priorities” (whatever that means). This gives your list gravitas without ever requiring follow-through.
For extra flourish, write the list in a fancy notebook with a dramatic sigh. Then, for pure serotonin, retroactively add things you’ve already done and immediately cross them off:
- “Made coffee”
- “Opened laptop”
- “Sat near work”
You are now thriving.
If you’re feeling especially audacious, colour-code your list. This adds the illusion of organisation without actual purpose. Use words like “Phase One” and “Touchpoint.” Make your stationery do the heavy lifting.
Step 3: Rearrange Something Entirely Pointless
Have you even worked from home if you haven’t spent 45 minutes angling your desk lamp just so? Or swapped your ‘main’ mug with your ‘focus’ mug because, obviously, vibes?
This is where the illusion of control comes in. Maybe you alphabetise your spice rack (again), re-stack the Tupperware drawer, or give your plant a pep talk. These acts feel vaguely industrious but are entirely consequence-free. No boss is going to ask for an update on your wardrobe’s sock arrangement.
Don’t forget the cleaning that isn’t cleaning. Wiping down an already pristine surface with a vague air of contemplation counts. Bonus points if you do it while holding a mug you’ve reheated four times but never actually drunk from.
Step 4: Use Ambiguous Business Jargon in Conversation
Nobody needs to understand what you’re saying—as long as it sounds like you’re knee-deep in corporate warfare.
Phrases like “I’m circling back on some Q3 insights” or “I’m just aligning some deliverables across key verticals” will do. They mean nothing. They solve nothing. But they impress everyone—including yourself.
Even if you live alone, this still works. Narrate your lunch as if you’re hosting a webinar. “Let’s pivot to leftovers with a low-friction reheat strategy.” Suddenly, your fridge is a brainstorming session and your microwave a visionary tool.
Step 5: Be Strategically Online
Being online doesn’t count as scrolling endlessly through cat videos (though we’ve all earned that). Instead, pepper your digital presence with just enough effort to suggest you’re in demand.
Send one work-adjacent message on Slack. Like a couple of productivity influencers’ posts on LinkedIn. Maybe post a cryptic tweet: “Big things coming 👀” (you mean a sandwich).
Reply to an email thread from three days ago with “Just bumping this up the chain!” People will think you’re keeping things on track when really, you just remembered it existed.
Meanwhile, you remain firmly planted on the sofa, half-watching Bargain Hunt.
Step 6: Wear ‘Productive’ Clothes You’ll Never Take Outside
There is a category of fashion that exists solely for the illusion of busyness. Think: smart jumper over pyjama bottoms. A pair of glasses you found in a drawer. Maybe even shoes. Indoors. For no reason.
Wearing an outfit that says, “I might have a Zoom call later” is key. No one can say you’re not working if you’ve put on trousers. Even if it’s just to pace around dramatically while reading text messages.
The tote bag hanging by the door? Purely decorative. It hasn’t been outside since 2021, but it makes you feel like someone who has errands.
Fake It ‘Til You Log Off
In a world that won’t stop asking you to do more, be more, optimise more—there’s something quietly revolutionary about looking busy while doing the absolute minimum.
Productivity theatre is an art. A wink to the world that says, “I could be grinding—but I’m choosing vibes.” All it takes is a little theatre, a few well-placed phrases, and a calendar notification you can ignore with purpose.
You don’t need measurable outcomes. You need a list, a latte, and the moral superiority that comes from pretending you’ve absolutely smashed the day.
And if all else fails, just tweet “busy day today!” and take a nap. You’ve earned it.
Born and raised in Sheffield, Kerry Freeman is an unrepentant tea addict, cat enthusiast, and lifelong expert in the art of looking busy while doing the bare minimum. By day, she works as a minion in a government department (no, not one of the cute yellow ones with dungarees). By night, she brings her wicked sense of humour to untypicable.co.uk, where she fearlessly tackles life’s nonsense with sharp wit, historical references, and the occasional inappropriate joke.
Kerry has no children (by choice, obviously), but she does have a cat, which is basically the same thing but with more attitude and fewer school runs. When she’s not writing, you’ll probably find her at a historical re-enactment, enthusiastically pretending she’s living in another century—preferably one with fewer emails and better hats.
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