funny tech blogs – untypicable.

Why Can’t Bread Be Made to Fit Toasters (or Vice Versa)?

James Henshaw — Thu, 20 Mar 2025 10:00:00 +0000

In a world where we have artificial intelligence, self-driving cars, and refrigerators that text you when you’re out of milk, one problem remains stubbornly unsolved:

Why does bread not fit into toasters?

Or, perhaps more accurately: Why do toasters refuse to accommodate bread?

This isn’t some niche issue affecting only a select group of society. This is a crisis of engineering and design failure that affects literally everyone who eats toast.

The Great Bread-Toaster Size Mismatch

Picture the scene. You wake up, slightly groggy but optimistic, dreaming of a perfectly golden, crispy slice of toast. You pull out a standard, supermarket loaf, pop a slice into the toaster, and immediately realise… it doesn’t fit.

The top sticks out.

The bottom toasts beautifully, golden and perfect, while the top remains a pale, doughy embarrassment.

If you want full coverage, you now have to either:

Manually rotate the slice halfway through (introducing the nightmare of double-toasting the middle section), or
Just accept your fate and eat a slice that is both overcooked and undercooked at the same time.

And it’s not like we haven’t had time to fix this problem. Bread has been roughly the same size for centuries. Toasters have existed since 1893. There has been more than enough time for a meeting to be had, diagrams to be drawn, and a final decision to be made.

But no. Instead, we are doomed to an eternal struggle where the dimensions of bread and toasters remain completely incompatible.

The Toaster That Refuses to Toast Evenly

But let’s assume, against all odds, that you do manage to fit your bread into the toaster. Surely, at the very least, you can expect even toasting?

Of course not.

Instead, what emerges is a bizarre, patchy horror show:

One side is burnt beyond recognition.
The other side is barely warmed.
The middle is somehow a different colour to the edges.
There is always one rogue corner that remains suspiciously untoasted, as if rejecting the concept of heat entirely.

At this point, all trust is lost.

Do you risk another cycle? Too much, and you’ll burn it into oblivion.
Do you attempt to scrape off the burnt bits with a knife? That’s a one-way ticket to a worktop covered in blackened crumbs.
Do you just accept the uneven mess and eat it anyway? Yes. Because breakfast should not require this level of emotional turmoil.

The ‘Turn It Sideways’ Myth

There’s always one person who smugly suggests, “Just turn the bread sideways.”

Oh, you sweet, naive fool.

We have all tried. And what happens?

The slice gets stuck halfway down, requiring a dangerous extraction mission involving a knife, your fingers, and a healthy disregard for electrical safety.
The edges burn while the centre remains uncooked, mocking you.
The toast launches itself into the air when it pops up, leaving you scrambling to catch it like some deranged breakfast-based sport.

This is not a solution. This is a trap.

The Artisan Bread Problem

And just when we thought it couldn’t get any worse, the hipsters arrived.

Artisan bread—once an occasional treat—has now become mainstream, which means that standard loaves are no longer standard.

Sourdough slices? Too wide.
Farmhouse loaves? Too tall.
Ciabatta? Un-toastable.
Bagels? Hope you enjoy them lukewarm.

And what did toaster manufacturers do in response? They invented “long slot” toasters.

Did they fix the issue? No.

Instead, they:

Created a toaster that now toasts small bread unevenly.
Ensured that, when you toast a large slice, one end will always burn while the other stays suspiciously cold.
Designed a slot so long that it feels like it belongs in an industrial bakery rather than your kitchen.

A classic case of fixing the wrong problem.

So What’s the Solution?

At this point, we have only two options:

Make toasters fit bread.
Make bread fit toasters.

One of these industries must step up and take responsibility.

Until then, we are doomed to:

Trimming our slices like some kind of breakfast DIY project.
Toasting in shifts, rotating bread like it’s on a sunbed.
Suffering through patchy, uneven toast while seething at the fundamental flaws of modern technology.

We have the science. We have the ability. And yet, we still have toast that refuses to be toasted properly.

This is why we will never know true peace. Not unless you have a crumpet instead…

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James Henshaw

James Henshaw is a brooding Geordie export who swapped the industrial grit of Newcastle for the peculiar calm of Lincolnshire—though he’s yet to fully trust the flatness. With a mind as sharp as a stiletto and a penchant for science-tinged musings, James blends the surreal with the everyday, crafting blogs that feel like the lovechild of a physics textbook and a fever dream.

Equally at home dissecting the absurdities of modern life as he is explaining quantum theory with alarming metaphors, James writes with the wit of someone who knows too much and the irreverence of someone who doesn’t care. His posts are infused with a dark humour that dares you to laugh at the strange, the inexplicable, and the occasionally terrifying truths of the universe—whether it’s the unnerving accuracy of Alexa or the existential menace of wasps.

A figure of mystery with a slightly unsettling edge, James is the sort of bloke who’d explain the meaning of life over a pint, but only after a dramatic pause long enough to make you question your own existence. His wit cuts deep, his insights are sharp, and his ability to make the surreal feel strangely plausible keeps readers coming back for more.

Why Is the Printer Always the Most Useless Piece of Technology?

James Henshaw — Thu, 13 Mar 2025 10:00:00 +0000

There are few universal truths in life, but one of them is this: printers are the absolute worst. In a world where we have smartphones with AI assistants, self-driving cars, and fridges that can order milk, we still cannot invent a printer that just works when you need it to.

This isn’t a new problem. Printers have been the bane of human existence since their invention, and despite decades of technological advancement, they remain as temperamental as ever—finicky, prone to failure, and deeply, deeply personal in their hatred for you.

Why? Why is this the one piece of technology that refuses to evolve? Let’s break down exactly why printers are the worst invention of all time.

Step One: The Printer Refuses to Connect

The first hurdle is actually getting the printer to acknowledge your existence.

You have your document ready. You click print. The printer does… nothing. The little icon on your screen flashes mockingly, informing you that the printer is “offline.”

You check the printer. It is very much online. You restart it. Nothing. You restart your computer. Still nothing. You disconnect and reconnect the Wi-Fi, as if somehow the entire internet is to blame.

At this point, two things may happen:

It will start working for no apparent reason.
It will refuse out of pure spite.

There is no in-between.

Step Two: The Great Paper Jam That Shouldn’t Exist

Congratulations, you’ve convinced the printer to do its job. But just as it begins to whir into action, it immediately stops.

A message flashes up: “Paper Jam.”

You open the tray. There is no jammed paper.

You open every compartment like a bomb disposal expert, certain that there’s nothing obstructing the mechanism. But the printer is unmoved. The error persists.

After five minutes of increasingly frustrated panel-checking, you close everything up without actually doing anything differently, press print again—and suddenly it works.

Why? We will never know.

Step Three: The Ink Cartridge Scam

Everything seems fine. The printer is connected, there is no paper jam, and your document is about to print. But wait—a new pop-up appears.

“Ink Low.”

Now, here’s where the printer really shows its true evil. The ink is not actually low. There is clearly ink left. If you remove the cartridge, shake it, and put it back in, it will print just fine.

But no. The printer wants more ink.

At this point, you have two choices:

Ignore the warning and hope it keeps working.
Buy a replacement ink cartridge, which, for some reason, costs more than the printer itself.

You pick option two, because the printer will not let you win. You insert the brand-new, printer-approved ink cartridge, and suddenly another error appears.

“Cartridge Not Recognized.”

You scream into the void.

Step Four: The Printer Prints Everything Except What You Need

Let’s assume you have somehow bypassed all the previous obstacles. The printer finally accepts its duty, hums to life, and begins its work.

Only to print your document in a strange, faded shade of grey, despite the fact that you never selected greyscale.

Or, for no discernible reason, it spits out a completely blank page.

Or, in a new and exciting twist, it prints one line of text, pauses for 30 seconds, prints another line, and repeats this process until you’ve aged significantly.

The document you urgently needed is now a useless pile of smudged, half-printed nonsense.

Step Five: The Printer Decides It’s Out of Paper When It’s Not

The printer is full of paper. It is literally overflowing with paper. And yet, somehow, it doesn’t think it has any paper.

At this point, you briefly consider throwing it out of the nearest window.

Instead, you remove the paper—which was absolutely fine—and put it back in. Miraculously, the printer now acknowledges the paper’s existence, as if nothing happened.

It prints.

You stare at it.

The war is over… for now.

The Final Betrayal: When You No Longer Need the Printer, It Works Perfectly

Hours later, when you no longer need anything printed, you test the printer again just out of curiosity.

It prints flawlessly.

Not a single issue.

No connectivity problems, no paper jams, no ink warnings. It prints as if it was never broken.

This is when you realise the painful truth: The printer was never malfunctioning. It was testing you.

Printers don’t break. They choose violence.

Why Are Printers Still This Bad?

Technology has advanced beyond all recognition in the last two decades. We have smartphones with AI assistants, self-driving cars, and fridges that order milk when you run low.

And yet, printers remain stuck in the early 2000s, refusing to evolve.

Why? Because printer manufacturers don’t want them to improve. They make far too much money selling ink cartridges, meaning they have no financial incentive to fix the nightmare that is modern printing.

Instead, they let us suffer.

Final Thoughts: Printers Are the Worst, and We Are Trapped

No one truly owns a printer. We are simply temporary caretakers of a malfunctioning, rage-inducing relic of the past.

The printer is not our friend. It is a necessary evil, a device that only works when it senses we don’t need it to.

And yet, we continue to buy them, fight them, and let them win.

Because no matter how much we hate them, the day will come when we desperately need to print one single document.

And thus, the cycle continues.